A Change of Heart

Recently I've been doing a lot of cross stitching and glitter painting just to keep myself busy. Little by little, I am going back to my hobby of composing spoofs and jokes to entertain myself. We just celebrated a simple Christmas and New Year at home. We even watched High School Musical and Nanny McPhee. Thanks to Ninong Manny for the DVD and Ms. Alfonso for the recommendation. Nice and inspiring movies! It's funny how I remember seeing a glimpse of High School Musical while in the hospital in cable tv. Thanks also to everyone who greeted me also on my birthday which was on the 22nd of Dec even though the day wasn't that worth remembering. Well, I'm already 19 years old but I'm still treated like a baby. (My mom and dad had a bad argument that day and it really ruined my day.)

Regarding my health, my psychiatrist advised me to socialize with lupus patients like me that I may not feel depressed. But the thing is, I am not too close with any of them at all. But still I am glad to have normal friends who understand my condition and that includes my e-pals or so called internet friends. I consider them God's gift to me coz even though they're far away I can still have fun chatting and reading their blogs. So even though I am not allowed to go out and socialize with other people, I'm happy to still have loyal friends who stay right beside me. (FYI, lupus patients like me have suppressed immunities. We easily catch infection. Therefore we're not allowed in crowds. We also get sick when exposed to sunlight and stress.) Plus, I still feel lucky to have loving and caring parents who understand what I'm going through. God still surprises me with blessings in disguise and thinking of it eases me of my burdens and pains.

Here's my work:
Cross stitch of a flower, butterfly and autumn leaf


My glitter painting of a young girl

I admit I'm feeling a bit depressed nowadays. I've been desperate to be of use to the household but it seems they need so little of me. I know I need to rest but I just want to be useful at times and find what I'm capable of. I just wash the dishes, help a little with cooking and that's it. I also find myself losing contact with the world. There are times when I find myself not anymore enjoying tv or music. All I want is silence. I want to be with myself alone in the room and hug my plushie. I always the bible for comfort or either waste time by typing in my computer or surfing the net for emails and stuff. I just feel lost. But I look up to God as an overprotective father. I think He just wants me to stay where I am. Afterall, my troubles seem so little compared to others. It seems like He wants me to trust in Him and wait silently and patiently for the blessings He will be giving me. Maybe I don't need to stress and strain or even pressure myself too much to reach my dreams. He wants me to live a simple life and be content with whatever blessings He gives. It just makes me wonder if I am really meant to be with this world. Maybe someday there's something better out there awaiting me. And I always hope that in Heaven I can find my true immeasurable freedom...

As I read the book entitled "A Little Flower," a book about St.Therese, I realized that God still wanted me to become a child, to trust in his infinite love and mercy. He wants me to listen like St. Mary Magdalene and leave my Martha personality. (Luke 10: 38-42)

Remaining little means that we recognize our nothingness, that we await everything from the goodness of God as a little child expects everything from its father, that we are not anxious about anything and that we do not think about collecting spiritual riches."- St. Therese of Liseux

Matthew 19:14 Let the children come to me, and do not prevent them; for the kingdom of Heaven belong such as these.

I know the Lord has heard my prayers. I couldn't ask for more since he has been giving me everything I wanted. In return, I offer this blog to Him to fulfill my mission of bringing his children back to Him. In praying, we shouldn't ask for material wealth but instead keep our simplicity in order to see and feel the beauty of His creation around us. And if there's nothing else to ask for, I would just pray for others, for them to receive physical and spiritual healing, to learn how to love and to realize how good and loving our Creator can be.

It has also been my very wish to know more of Mother Mary. I still remember the time when our English teacher told us to write a paragraph about the person we admire the most. No one else came to my mind except the most divine and perfect of all woman, the purest of the pure, Mama Mary. I do admit that I have recently sinned against her and as I realized this I prayed the rosary for reconciliation. While in the hospital, someone sent me a beautiful booklet about her and I immediately that this was a sign of her forgiveness. I even saw a miracle at the hospital. The Virgin has born a new child and if I would be given a chance I would rather call her Teresa. She was to be called Daughter of God and was to be the Little Sister of Christ. I now strive hard to imitate Mother Mary's ways and all I wanted was to become a virgin, pure and unstained, to be consecrated to the Lord.

It's been my first time to write an English blog. Many things have already happened into my life and it all felt so real yet so weird. It seems that my life went topsy turvy and has turned nightmares into reality. I remember everything so clearly. Was it really just a dream? Days seem to move so quickly. My brain was affected and all I could do is depend on drugs, prayers and my family. The doctor said it was lupus, but maybe what happened to me is more than physical. I believe that I have encountered something science could not explain, something spiritual, something forbidden. Have I really encountered the devil. Was it really the devil or just my dark side? I didn't understand but I was glad to be brave enough to face them believing that God still stayed by my side.

A sudden change took over me. I felt I was another person yet everybody wanted me back to normal, the cheerful and happy side of me. I became a serious, sentimental and godly person. I've been reading religious books daily, saying my prayers fervently, and I've become much interested in the Bible. I've been spreading Jesus around me. I was like a saint. Only hunger for fame and appreciation hindered me. I realized that it was not enough to be virtuous. One has to know his or her sins and confess it to Him and reconcile. I start to become interested in angels and martyrs who dedicated their lives to their Creator and their fellowmen. I read a book about St. Therese and I felt I should continue her work using my own talents and abilities. I regretted wasting precious time playing and posing in the computer for vanity and entertainment. I should have helped in the household chores instead of searching the internet for some nonsense. I should have finished my work before recreation. I learned the value of spending quality time with my family and I should have focused on it instead of creating a world of my own. They have cared for me deeply and I should love them in return. I have made God my no. 1 priority but it felt like I let him down for some childish reasons. I loved the child in me, but is it time to let go? I only wanted to make people happy. I, therefore, confessed all my sins to him and prepared myself for anything He wanted. I knew he wanted me to mature and I believe this change could make me a happier person. I shouldn't expect something in return but something tells me He has a big surprise for me. Inspite of my illness, God has sent so much blessings I cannot even imagine. I promise to do my mission to spread to spread his love through poetry, stories and diaries that they may be accepted as an offering to Heaven. I wanted to become a journalist someday that I may lovingly fulfill my duties humbly. I felt love all around me as I look around. I just knew this will be the best Christmas one could ever have.

An Evening Meditation

The darkness enfolds me, Lord, it is the end of another day. Noises are being hushed, and I still my restless heart in your presence.

I rejoice that I am safe in your keeping whatever may come to pass. And I thank you for the many blessings received today and throughout my life. You have fashioned my soul to seek you out, and now that I have found you, I know you will never let me go.

As the day draws to a close, I reflect on many things, and find I am negligent in remembering you commandment to love others as you love me.

Your little friend, St. Therese, understood you dear request, and tonight I am reminded of that phrase that traced her own destiny:"At the evening of life, you will be judged on love."

If am judged on love, Lord, I confess to many lapses. And before this day goes by forever, forgive me, for not having comforted those who need support, for turning away when someone looked for help, for using harsh words instead of kind ones, for remaining silent when others deserved praise.

Help me to remember the words of St. Therese, and increase my little ways of love to share with friends and strangers. In prayer, link me with those who suffer, are hungry or distressed. Take them in your care, Lord, and let your loving spirit fill the world tonight, so that we may understand the true meaning of life, when you again send us your morning light. 

- Taken from the prayers of Millenium Saint Foundation Inc. milsaint@info.com.ph